Bro.

To the best friend,

Sorry, is not even enough to comprehend the apology I need to express on how lousy I have been as a best friend, as a 'bro'.  I need to put in more effort, I know you understand that I have been busy with uni and work, but in between that I should have time to spend time with you.

Countdown to the days when I leave for Europe and won't be coming back for a year. Distance is truly becoming a troubling matter literally. I know you see my posts on tumblr, and I think to my self... I have enough time to queue posts, but not enough time to have a mere conversation with you.

I need to make a resolution at least once a week, if not even to see you physically and catch up, but talk to you over the phone just to make sure every things okay with you and see how everything going with you.

That is only one of my many faults to you, my lack of effort.

The second is  secrets, I don't know if this comes under trust.... but yeah.

I have many secrets I keep to myself that i can't even share to you or our 'group'.
I fear the judgement you would have on me, as your opinion and thoughts of me actually matter and I would take to heart. Thus some things I do, I just keep to myself. I tend to feel the pressure, to be the 'responsible' one. To be the one to make things stable. You once said both drunk and sober, that you thought I was the 'glue' to our group. This scared the shit out of me.

Thus I must prioritize this, while I can. So much can happen in a year when I leave, so I must make the most of the time we have till then. I also must attempt and try my best to share more with my 'bro' and hope that he understands why I did the things I did. If not at least over look them and still remain the relationship we have.

You do not even know, I saw the post you made about me, and how  you feel comfortable to have those 'share your feeling moments' haha.
I know we joke around and are to 'man' about saying it seriously. But in my behalf, I love you man. Thank you for everything.

Your wing-man, bro, best friend and future best man.

Okay.

I have now realized that I have drifted away from where I wanted to be originally. I have abandoned many of my beliefs to the pressures of the world and what it expects of me.  I guess this thought will be based on physicality and its rising issue within my life.

I'm pressured to emit the masculinity that is expected of me physically and mentally.
I force myself to go to the gym, at first for my health, but now fulfilling the V of my name.
For the sake of Vanity.

 I get it, both females and males succumb to the pressures of physical standards of 'society'.
But to be blunt, the personality and the inside beauty can be sometime utter bullshit.

In my perceptions attraction is first initiated by physicality, by the sense of smell, sight and hearing.

I do not like to think of myself as being shallow, but I know i am not the only one who thinks this. Personally my standards are always compared to the Brazilian or European looking physiques.

As a male I should be in the eyes of the world: Tall, muscly ( pecs, abs, triceps), broad shoulders, chiseled jaw and the list goes on.

I am also at fault, enforcing the pressures on women. I compare to tall long legged, slim( not skinny/ but healthy), reasonably sized breasts, long haired (brunette or blonde), red rosy lips, dough eyes with long eye lashes with soft and glowing complexion.
 
Yes I know. It is sad. Once these dimensions are surpassed then the inner beauty is discovered or somewhat ventured into. As I say here and there: "you can only stare at someone for so long".

Im starting to venture off into many dimensions but yes. okay. hot people can die in a hole, yet wonder in my thoughts and day dreams. 

I want to eat McDonalds right now, yet go to the gym and have a protein shake.

I guess its important to have insight to this because I have an argument to pick with the following: infatuation, liking, attraction, labels, casual relationships and many other things that lead onto that stupid word love. But that's for another day i guess.

till next time

And I return.

To whom it may concern, 

I have come to the conclusion again, what a better way to 'vent' express these vague, misunderstood, uncomprehending and pretty much things that would not make sense to anyone but myself.
The last time I posted on this I was 25kg heavier, sense of style daggy and single. 

I'm using this place or whatever you may like to call it, to be selfish, conceited and self absorbed of my issues within my life and I guess my 'issues' with others'.

To many events have occurred unexpressed. dormant, waiting just to blow up in my face in a somewhat serial killer situation type, where i go on top of a tower and start shooting like a mad man.
As the last acronym in my blog= Sanity, I plan on keeping it and attaining it through here.

So, I guess hello again to the electronic world of readers, or lack there of.

Prepare for the outbursts of moments, events and some cases insignificant things that just happen in my life of as a 20 year old male.

till next time,

Youth. Vanity. Educated. Sanity.